Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Here we are, friends. Finals week -- the five days that we all love to hate.

Regardless of what's on the academic doc for the next few days, it's about that time where the good-byes start to be said, a few tears are probably falling and the overwhelmed feeling is starting to set in.

While I'm not graduating, this end of the school year has got me all up in the feels. A lot of my friends are soon leaving Penn State and as I'm preparing for a summer in Philly, I'm nostalgic about the end of this semester. I've been reading all those articles about "the things I learned in college," the "how I became me" lists and the "read this going into your senior year" articles and while incredibly cheesy, here's another note to join that crew.

We define ourselves by a lot of things: what we do, what we care about, who we spend our time with, et cetera et cetera. I've been thinking a lot about this lately because my heart strings are being pulled as yet another year is ending and I'm uneasy about what's to come. One thing that I've realized we don't really have control over that is probably the most definitive part of our lives is home.

Home is different for all of us and I don't really think that it is always a place. For me, home is with the people I love most, all of the laughs and all of the tears (mostly tears) and the feeling of having a reason. We become our home just as it becomes us, but when I think of home, I think of what Penn State has given me.

To all that go here, there are simply no words to describe the connection felt by each person in this community. It doesn't matter what street you walk down, what you decide to study or how you decide to present yourself, Staters are always there for each other at the end of the day. I think that this is what makes this place so powerful in molding who we are as people: there is this ability of Penn State to transform into anything you need it to be. I feel like myself when I'm in the 16801 because of the people I love, the places I frequent and my day to day life that I lead here.

But sometimes, you have to step away from home to appreciate it in the way that it deserves. The last few weeks leading up to finals have been an emotional rollercoaster: highs and lows academically, socially, mentally, you name it. Referencing my last post, it's all about embracing the ride, but just because you embrace something and are willing to take it on doesn't always make it easier to go through.

As someone that has been tearing up for weeks because of this year ending, leaving my friends for the summer, re-living all of the good and bad memories and trying to become the best version of myself, I've somehow had a feeling of lull in my connection to this home. Not in a negative way necessarily, but in the sense that I need to step away to appreciate it more.

This year has been incredibly definitive in my life. The Year Of Why Nots has proven to change me for the better, but it's time to continue that in a new place so that I can embrace next Fall for all that it will give me. So when I was given the opportunity to be in a new zip code for a few months, I jumped at the opportunity. I know that my friends that are graduating probably want to slap me for saying this, but I'm ready to leave this place for now. I'm ready to explore a new area, take on a new chapter and be the person that Penn State has built me up to be.

Whether you're leaving for the summer or leaving to become an adult, sometimes following the feeling of needing to get away can provide clarity. Right now is the time to be nostalgic for all we've been through, but tomorrow (or next week) is the time for new adventure, new ambitions and for defining a new piece of home. This place deserves to be loved for all that it is, and after all -- distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?

Catch me in the HUB all week,
Kirst

The Year of Why Nots, Not What Ifs

Hello, it's me. The girl that used to write about her life all of the time.

It's been a long week and after over a year of not blogging, I decided that maybe this will make it a little better -- and I'm hoping to get back to being a regular (something I said a year ago, I know, but I actually mean it this time).

To go through junior year would be a doozy and honestly, probably not the best way to spend your day. As a catch up on all that's been happening, it's been the year of why nots.

For those that I spend the majority of my time with, you've heard me spew this phrase over and over again: this is the year of why nots, not what ifs. And to be honest, taking each day with this thought process has changed everything.

This time last year, I sat behind this screen and I wasn't in the best place. I was going through the motions of school and work, living nap to nap and really just wondering where I was going next, and not being okay with it. A summer at State living on my own gave me the time to realize that I didn't want to be like that anymore. I wanted to take in every day, embrace each challenge and remember what it was like to truly value the time in Happy Valley.

Hence came this cliché of the year of why nots.

If you go for the why not instead of the what if, you have no regrets, something that I seemed to have a lot of at the end of my sophomore year. You take more risks, you stop thinking about every little thing that could happen and just DO something, you become yourself again.

But always choosing the why not instead of the what if doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. This perspective involves putting yourself out there to be vulnerable, telling people how you really feel, going out on a limb, being ambitious in trying to make some sort of impact in this world and sometimes, just accepting the fact that things are out of your control. Not letting others affect your happiness, but simply contribute to it and just being okay with the fact that some things happen beyond anything you can do.

With just about a month left of my third year at State (holy guac, when did I get old?), I can say that the why not is much better than the what if. I spontaneously flew to Colorado for three days, took on new positions on campus, spent New Year's Eve in Australia with my best galpal, danced on probably too many elevated surfaces and went with my gut in each moment. On the flip side, I may have dropped my laptop, just squeaked through 304, not landed the internship, not gotten a chance or two and feel lost because there is no set plan for the next 12 months of my life, but here I am, still standing. Life hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows and there's been plenty of ugly cries, but I didn't go through the motions this time around; as someone that doesn't believe in bad timing, each setback has led to a better comeback and I think that is what is important here. This whole adventure is better when I put myself out there, go after my goals and embrace not being afraid to fail. I haven't once bet against myself, and that's a lesson I'll take right to the bank.

So jumping back to this week, it sure hasn't been easy, but what has gotten me through mentally is being proud of myself for not letting it become a what if. It's been a lot of mental juggling of feelings, exams, relationships and so on, but I would not change a thing. The last few days have proven to me that being yourself is worth it and I am surrounded by people that help me remember that when I seem to have forgotten. Not only have I been allowed to cry, eat lots of ice cream and vegetate, I've been reminded again and again that this year of why nots isn't about everything working out the way I had hoped.

It's about letting myself feel, asking for help when I need it, and holding on to the hope that there may not always be a clear why, but things will happen the way they are supposed to. There's never a reason to not love, support and believe in yourself and the people around you each and every day.. even when you feel that you or they don't deserve it. Because, why not?

Here's to tomorrow,
Kirst